Adrian de la Cruz for The Rotten Egg,
3rd April, 2010
Reporting from,
Mumbai, India,
New Delhi, India
Kanyakumari, India
Falklands Islands, Argentina
Indian research center in Camp Something, Antarctica,
Somewhere in the Indian Ocean aboard a cheap dingy,
Seychelles, in the middle of nowhere and surrounded by the Indian Ocean.
We’re short of staff.
Notice that foul stench in the air that’s been hanging around all day? Its smells like rotting fish and its probably coming from the beach.
This reporter has been bugged all day by this mysterious smell, right from the moment he woke up and parted open the curtains to twenty minutes later when he was still fidgeting over the folds in his bed sheet. Having cleared his head somewhat (by accidentally banging it on a low shelf) he assumed the strange smell to be emanating from last night’s dinner party gone wrong at the Guptas downstairs, whose eldest son Adhor (Sunny Deol and Adhor-Padhor to some, baby face to others and plain irritating to those who see his pasty face every few months) had probably vomited large quantities of undigested mutated pomfret all over his flowery pink bed sheet. Since the Guptas have the habit of leaving their front door open all day long, this probably was the source.
A simple enquiry having ruled this out, the next immediate suspicion fell on the weird Fernandez family on the ground floor with their hyperactive kids, bald mustachioed biker man and a bunch of fat dead-ass lazy cats.
A simple investigation cleared them too. However, The Rotten Egg can now exclusively report that the source of the stench is the beach, indeed it will be, when two weeks from today millions of mutated sea monkeys from the Falklands Islands off the coast of mainland Argentina and an equally large force of unnamed dangerous penguin-snail crossbreeds arrive and attack India.
Quite why they’ve chosen India is anyone’s guess, but according to a bored fisherman aimlessly drifting off India’s southernmost tip, they’ve taken offense at the large statue of a turbaned man with a pouchy face and flowing robes that can be seen gazing across the waters. When this reporter admitted his confusion at this obvious connection, he explained that in local dialect, the position of the statue’s arms and the expression on his face translated as “lick my balls”.
The invaders obviously intended doing much more than that to him and all others like him on the mainland.
Indian scientists are at a loss to explain this phenomenon. While most of the biologists at the Indian Marine Institute (IMI) refused to believe the existence of such creatures, others who had not been affected by years of unemployment and living around bottled squids referred us to Dr. Babu, a retired marine biologist who had once been scientific advisor to Prime Minister P.V. Narsimha Rao, enjoyed the benefits of his regime but had managed to escape imprisonment by swearing before a jury comprising Mamata Bannerjee, Rakhi Sawant, Rohit Bal, Lola Kutty, Adam Lambert, Navjyot Singh Siddhu and Oprah Winfrey that he would not be “such a naughty boy again.” When contacted he had this to say about the impending attack, “Yes, Yes, I know what happened. A son of my colleague, Dr. Harold Shankarprabhakaran was the last man to leave Antarctica. All the others had given it up as a bad job because of the lack of booze, panda porn and strippers; you know how these academic types tend to be weird. After braving the cold for two days and experiencing the lack of all these basic facilities he too decided to pack his bags. He was scheduled to leave to 5th October 2009. However, he decided to be a smart-ass and decided to check whether the laboratory was properly locked.” Here Dr. Babu had to stop his narrative to attend to his recurring constipation problem.
“In Lab 5, which also served as his food storage he found that the wall on the far side had several penguin shaped holes in it. To his relief he found the glass box containing his pet snails (which he had lost two weeks ago) on the floor below the table containing home-made pickles. Of course the box was empty even after a half hour of a one-sided game of Marco-Polo, he couldn’t find them.
Thinking he might as well make a meal of things, he dived into the pickles only to find the packets leaking and remains of a snail’s shell inside. He was distracted by a peculiar sound, it sounded like a flipper hitting the floor and something heavy rolling at the same time. The creature left a trail of mango pickle as it advanced towards him and proceeded to grab him by the crown jewels and swallow him whole. When the ship arrived to pick him up a few hours later, the crew decided to wait for an hour and leave if Dr. Harold didn’t turn up until then. In that time they amused themselves with the hidden stash of panda porn that the Russians had concealed below the flower pot at the main entrance of the Lab.
One hour was up, there was no sign of Dr. Harold or of the crew of the ship, they’d all been taken by surprise. The predators then turned their attention to the ship, ate it up whole, not even sparing the panda prom, sick basterds.” With this our source concluded his story which was confirmed by his castrated friends over at the IMI.
In a breakthrough find, biologists at the more ritzy Perth University (where cockroach sex and some unmentionable forms of bestiality are the rage these days) have identified and named the creatures. They’ve decided to call them the blokes-who-catch-you-by-the-nuts-and-then-eat -you-up. To suit Indian sensibilities and to find a more convenient name we’ve decided to call them the Penguinheadedsnailbackednutgrabbers.
The Indian government did not seem fazed by this new development. However, the Defense Minister did not figure in the consensus, “As if we didn’t have to worry about the Chinese and Taliban already”, was how he began before he was silenced by some senior congress members who were busy making a routine head-count (of brutally severed heads mounted on a 10 kilometer-long wall in Rashtrapati Bhavan) of the victims of Maharashtra’s latest terror attack.
The government made its official stance clear in a hastily arranged press conference addressed by the Defense Minister A. K. Antony and External Affairs minister S. M. Krishna. Present at the press conference were representatives from every major news agency eager to know the country’s reaction to this latest predicament, most notably a rowdy turnout from AP and stone-faced reporters from ITAR-TASS. The ministers sidelined the Indian news houses and flashed their pearlies at the foreign press while throwing away random phrases like “grave situation”, “we are prepared” and “the media must behave responsibly” and vague sentences beginning with “the opposition had better co-operate…” and “the public must be united…” After twenty minutes, the briefing came to an abrupt halt when the microphones began malfunctioning on account of being covered in several rounds of spittle issuing forth from Mr. Antony’s mouth. Visuals could not be received as the cameras thrust directly under Mr. Krishna’s nose were drenched in beetle-leaf juice (chewing which is a disgusting habit common only to the Indian subcontinent), mouthfuls of which the minister was clearly enjoying between his short pronouncements.
Last heard, camerapersons were trying to wipe their screens clean and AP had sent a multi-million dollar contract to sound major JBL, commissioning them to invent waterproof microphones. Meanwhile, the Russians had decided to use multiple plastic screen covers that can be discarded after every liquid coating the next time they attended a press conference in India.
Newly appointed Army Chief V.K. Singh sounded extremely optimistic about the situation. Addressing journalists at his residence, he said, “For the sea monkeys, we plan to cover the entire coastline of Kerala and Tamil Nadu with Baba Ramdev’s Ayurvedic Peanuts. We hope they really contain powdered human bones and that they choke upon them and die.” When asked why he felt so confident of this maneuver, he fished out his limited edition “I support Brinda Karat” badge and pinned it to the breast pocket of his coat. He further answered queries about where he felt the invaders would strike. “What makes you think they won’t attack our southern coastline? Do they look like Pakistanis?”
On being quizzed about the security of our neighbours, he had this to say, “Oh yes, the invaders will destroy Sri Lanka, but as most of their people are in India watching the IPL, that’s okay. If they really miss their country, we can always give them a small Sri Lanka sized district in Orissa to live and breed more Tigers. Now about Bangladesh, half of their population is well settled in our country already. So if the sea monkeys and the Penguinheadedsnailbackednutgrabbers decided to attack via Bangladesh, most of them will be blown away by the land mines yet to be recovered after 1971 and since Bangladesh is supposed to be Osama’s latest hiding place, they’ll actually be doing us and the CIA a favour by wiping out the Al-Qaeda in ten days, something the U.S. hasn’t come close to doing in eight years.”
When asked if his new promotion wasn’t getting to his head and whoever-made-this-goof-an-army-chief, he said with a brilliant smile that he had one more trick up his sleeve. “I have a special treat for whatever is left of those arctic monkeys and the crotchbanginghammerjackers. I saw it in Mars Attacks! and if it can work against horny bottle-headed Martians, it will work for us too. We will play continuous videos of retarded Dance India Dance participants grooving to Himesh Reshammiya numbers and remixed versions of Punjabi rap songs from every house in the country as loud as possible.” And thus brimming with confidence he waved the press conference over.
Since the coast guard could not pinpoint that exact date, location and timing of the attack, we went to a more reliable source, India’s leading astrologist and lifelong gastroenteritis patient Bejan Daruwala. After consulting his charts and falling asleep somewhere halfway in between Jupiter and Saturn, he abruptly snapped his neck up (Ouch!) and spat out the following, “There are three million forty sea monkeys who are currently harassing tourists at Seychelles. Having finished with them, they will strike a small fishing village in Kerala whose name I can’t pronounce at three in the afternoon on 18th April. After sparing the lives of the women, they will continue northwards and reach Bombay on 25th April and disrupt the IPL final and make a beeline for Lalit Modi. Poor dikra has such great stars. The six and a half thousand Penguinheadedsnailbackednutgrabbers will strike Chennai on 18th April and after a quick stop at Tirupati head straight for Bal Thackeray’s house in Bandra.” The power of conviction exhausted, he slumped back on to Jupiter.
In an interesting twist, the Ulema Board has issued a fatwa against the Penguinheadedsnailbackednutgrabbers declaring them to be “savage and unIslamic”
In light of the disaster, we asked Mr. Thackeray himself if we was ready to face the worst. However, senior Thackeray could not make his statement through his breathing mask at Lilavati hospital after having dislocated his spleen while attempting something stupid he’d seen host Ranvijay do on Roadies. Thackeray junior (with a strawberry-flavoured Pim-Pom sticking out the side of his mouth) deputized. “We will not let them enter Maharashtra until they learn to speak Marathi. When reminded that the animals didn’t give a rat’s ass about learning an Indian language anyway, Mr. what’s-his-name shifted his lollipop to other side of his mouth and with an obvious attempt at wit remarked, “We laid the same conditions to the Madrasis when they first entered Mumbai, after a while they learned to live by our rules didn’t they? So why shouldn’t it work now?”
Psychiatrist Seema Billoraani was against the use of force in trying to subdue the invaders. She said, “There is a reason why they have turned out they way they have. They have obviously been exposed to large quantities of frozen rancid pickle and high chili content. Apart from that, the young regularly witnessed bizarre and violent scenes of mating that involved a lot of blood, slime and dislocated flippers. The amount of psychological scarring they have experienced is unimaginable. It is similar to the case of members of the Vatican who were part of a private screening of Borat. Look at what they are up to now. I advise an inclusive approach where the animals must be allowed to become part of our society. This process will be gradual and may involve loss of life, especially young unattended children who might mistake them for creatures from the violent video games they play or sexual deviants who might have heard rumours about the origins of the Penguinheadedsnailbackednutgrabbers. But for the rest of us who are plain scared of them, we’re safe as long as keep running from them and finally get cornered by them on one side and Kashmiri insurgents on the other. Until then, what’s important to remember is to give them a chance; they deserve it, even though they’re mindless freaks who want to do horrible things to us.” The next moment Ms. Billoraani had packed her bags and vanished.
Partying legend Kishen Mulchandani, who was at a party celebrating twenty five years of topping the annual poll of “Bombay’s Top Ten Party Animals” initially started off with his secret to all these years of drinking till he bust and his favourite hangover cures before being reminded of the topic at hand. “Oh yeah, I hope they drop by, I could teach them a few civilities. We could even play a game to find the best hugger! Let’s just hope they don’t scratch my back, I get enough of that every Friday night from S...” We had to cut him off at that this point as The Rotten Egg is not under liberty to disclose names.
For the general public, the government has issued advisories which highlight the following points,
No. 6 - Please buy extra mops and bottles of cleaning solution before prices increase, Penguinheadedsnailbackednutgrabbers stains are very hard to get rid of.
No 2 – In case of sightings, immediately contact the police, they will dress all prisoners awaiting death row as cops and send them over to “handle the situation”.
No 11 – Please avoid all contact with sea monkeys and Penguinheadedsnailbackednutgrabbers. Your friendly neighbourhood insurance agent will be not be able to bail you out as in all probability he/she is already decapitated.
No 26 – Do not bother to bar your doors, the sea monkeys and Penguinheadedsnailbackednutgrabbers spit toxic which will melt the doors on contact.
No 27 – And yeah, we’re getting reports that their own bodies are toxic too, so in case of contact you’ll melt too.
No 35 – Gather all the idols of gods you worship and place them in front of your doors and windows. Seeing that they’ve been to Tirupati, they just might spare your life. In case you have no idols, well you’re doomed mate.
No 279 – Hang giant posters of the Antarctic scenery (a large white paper) on your front doors. Hopefully, this will convey to them that you are living an extension of their homeland. However, this will only save you from the painful process of mating with them. They will kill you.
No 1 – In case of queries, do not try to contact us, we’re all hidden away somewhere in Switzerland with our bank accounts to warm us up.
With the government of India having done its duty by alerting its citizens, we just hope that on route to destruction, the paths of the sea monkeys and the Penguinheadedsnailbackednutgrabbers do not cross, resulting in another mass mid-water mating frenzy and disgusting scenes for the boys up there manning the satellites to capture and send to us blow-by-blow on out high-tech 3-D TV sets (by May, when we’ll actually all be dead) and the birth of some other disgusting crossbreed with little regard for human life and which hopefully won’t produce another Sanjaya Malakar or Sarah Palin or Mayawati and leave the Panthera Tigris Tigris and Spectacled Bear in peace.
*The Rotten Egg appreciates fan mail and will answer all letters until doomsday or at least until it is ordered by the Shiv Sena to write in Marathi.
