Adrian de La Cruz for The Rotten Egg
April 29, 2011
Reporting from,
London, England.
It’s been a few hours since the dust-up in London commenced and our correspondent Adrian De La Cruz has been camping outside Westminster Abbey for the past week to nose ahead of the irritating wire journalists, and it’s clear now that he has an advantage.
The wedding of the year is literally the biggest fairy tale in history. Average Britons have been encouraged to forget their depressing lives and the uncertainty of the next meal by instead being asked to remain glued to the telly to watch Prince William wed Catherine Middleton.
The security arrangements for the wedding pushed its cost up by 20 million to pay policemen and women double time on a bank holiday. Yes, it’s going to be a long weekend and when added to Easter weekend you can figure that the England’s factories haven’t exactly been busy.
Prime Minister David Cameron’s declaration of April 29 as a public holiday will cost the economy 5 billion pounds. Not the best decision to make in a country ravaged by recession.
To those hooked to TLC’s nauseating coverage of the wedding, complete with nobodies discussing the length of Middleton’s neckline for a full twenty minutes I say, better days will come. Surely, we haven’t yet hit the lowest of lows when it comes to meaningless revelry.
I’d like to congratulate TLC’s gay presenter for the wetting himself the second he glimpsed the bride entering the car and would like to dunk his fat head in the Thames for as many times as he muttered the words ‘wow’, ‘lace’ and ‘I told you so’.
For all those stuffed with church weddings from watching Hollywood movies, know that Christian wedding services really aren’t just about a quick exchange of rings, grunts of ‘I Do’, a big wet one and driving into the sunset. That’s because they sincerely choose not to film the sequences that begin with ‘Let us pray’. If anything, this spectacle should have convinced non-Christians that Christian wedding ceremonies are just as boring as those of every other faith. You could almost picture a fly zipping into David Beckham’s mouth each time he tried to yawn. That would add some much needed liveliness to the solemn proceedings.
It’ll do the TV audience and the world in large a lot of good to forget what James Middleton, Bishop of London, the Dean of Westminster and the Archbishop of Canterbury had to say about the various benefits of getting married and how it will eventually enrich your soul. Add to that how it also helps usher in world peace and you’ve got yourself a boring speech or as I like to say the dull British version of ‘How to live your life’. These distinguished gentlemen would be would be eating their words had they lied contentedly punch drunk and passed out in sandy Goa.
Of course none of this takes away the fact that Will and Kate are superhuman gods that ought to be worshiped and that their wedding be made an excuse for spending millions of pounds in taxpayer money.
Of course none of this takes away the fact that Will and Kate are superhuman gods that ought to be worshiped and that their wedding be made an excuse for spending millions of pounds in taxpayer money.
Unlike the rest of us, they’re blue bloods, which means they won’t die with apparently 99% of the world’s population in December 2012, and that killer tornadoes and tsunamis will give Buckingham Palace and the residence of every other monarch (incumbent or autocratic) a miss. And because each of little tea parties in the French Riviera has the potential to disrupt our daily lives, we must worship them and celebrate every insignificant development in their lives as greater cause for celebration than a potential cure for cancer.
In a world of depressing equals, I can see how their royalty is going to protect them. Woe unto us.
TRE tried to gift Prince William a wig anticipating that he’d try to look like his father, but given our correspondent’s scruffy appearance, security tore up the parcel. But we will try to talk him into a hair transplant following his numerous honeymoons.
