No Comments

21st Century Fairytale


.



Adrian de La Cruz for The Rotten Egg

April 29, 2011

Reporting from,

London, England.


It’s been a few hours since the dust-up in London commenced and our correspondent Adrian De La Cruz has been camping outside Westminster Abbey for the past week to nose ahead of the irritating wire journalists, and it’s clear now that he has an advantage.


The wedding of the year is literally the biggest fairy tale in history. Average Britons have been encouraged to forget their depressing lives and the uncertainty of the next meal by instead being asked to remain glued to the telly to watch Prince William wed Catherine Middleton.

The security arrangements for the wedding pushed its cost up by 20 million to pay policemen and women double time on a bank holiday. Yes, it’s going to be a long weekend and when added to Easter weekend you can figure that the England’s factories haven’t exactly been busy.

Prime Minister David Cameron’s declaration of April 29 as a public holiday will cost the economy 5 billion pounds. Not the best decision to make in a country ravaged by recession.

To those hooked to TLC’s nauseating coverage of the wedding, complete with nobodies discussing the length of Middleton’s neckline for a full twenty minutes I say, better days will come. Surely, we haven’t yet hit the lowest of lows when it comes to meaningless revelry.

I’d like to congratulate TLC’s gay presenter for the wetting himself the second he glimpsed the bride entering the car and would like to dunk his fat head in the Thames for as many times as he muttered the words ‘wow’, ‘lace’ and ‘I told you so’.

For all those stuffed with church weddings from watching Hollywood movies, know that Christian wedding services really aren’t just about a quick exchange of rings, grunts of ‘I Do’, a big wet one and driving into the sunset. That’s because they sincerely choose not to film the sequences that begin with ‘Let us pray’. If anything, this spectacle should have convinced non-Christians that Christian wedding ceremonies are just as boring as those of every other faith. You could almost picture a fly zipping into David Beckham’s mouth each time he tried to yawn. That would add some much needed liveliness to the solemn proceedings.

It’ll do the TV audience and the world in large a lot of good to forget what James Middleton, Bishop of London, the Dean of Westminster and the Archbishop of Canterbury had to say about the various benefits of getting married and how it will eventually enrich your soul. Add to that how it also helps usher in world peace and you’ve got yourself a boring speech or as I like to say the dull British version of ‘How to live your life’. These distinguished gentlemen would be would be eating their words had they lied contentedly punch drunk and passed out in sandy Goa.


Of course none of this takes away the fact that Will and Kate are superhuman gods that ought to be worshiped and that their wedding be made an excuse for spending millions of pounds in taxpayer money.

Unlike the rest of us, they’re blue bloods, which means they won’t die with apparently 99% of the world’s population in December 2012, and that killer tornadoes and tsunamis will give Buckingham Palace and the residence of every other monarch (incumbent or autocratic) a miss. And because each of little tea parties in the French Riviera has the potential to disrupt our daily lives, we must worship them and celebrate every insignificant development in their lives as greater cause for celebration than a potential cure for cancer.
In a world of depressing equals, I can see how their royalty is going to protect them. Woe unto us.


TRE tried to gift Prince William a wig anticipating that he’d try to look like his father, but given our correspondent’s scruffy appearance, security tore up the parcel. But we will try to talk him into a hair transplant following his numerous honeymoons.  

Category , , , ,

No Comments

Study finds Indians are the most patriotic


.


Adrian de La Cruz for The Rotten Egg

April 2, 2011

Reporting from,

New Delhi, India.

A study conducted by the UN found that Indian citizens are the most patriotic. A copy the study, which is yet to be made public, was obtained by our correspondent Adrian de La Cruz after he managed to corner a UN rat in the capital city and promised him a ticket to the Cricket World Cup final in exchange for some early-bird information.  

The UN surveyed two million people all over the world over a year and spent tons of US Dollars rotting in its coffers in the process. If the annual happiness ratings weren’t enough, we now have to deal with the results of another massive waste of public expenditure.

There are some startling findings in the study and has interesting news for India. The country’s Patriotism Index (PI) has fluctuated several times over. In fact it was at a measly 31% at the beginning of the survey. Through a year of scams and deceptions and some good news, the coloured worms that depict the PI have danced all over the expensive paper, often bumping into each other, cohabiting all over the place and waltzing into Iran  at one point only to return to safe territory before starting a war.

This is hardly surprising considering the tumultuous 2010 that India experienced. And besides, worms tend to behave that way. The worm plunged to 0% in October and shot off the page to an earth-shattering 13999900000000000% as of March 2011. This unimaginable increase is suspicious to say the least. Only a naive person would attribute this phenomenal rise with the fortunes of national cricket team which is currently on the verge of capturing the championship after 28 years in the wilderness. To make such an accusation would be to assume that the lives of ordinary Indians revolve around a bunch of fat men falling over their shoelaces on the turf and that they are fickle enough to keep the faith in the administration of the country based on the performances of the team. But everyone knows that’s propaganda spread by India’s enemies.

The other significant highlights of the study were that the Middle Eastern and West African nations Libya, Syria, Kuwait, Egypt and Tunisia also report abnormally high levels of patriotism. However, given the current situation, the researchers have clearly not been able to distinguish between patriotism and plain anger.


The Scandinavian nations of Finland, Norway and Sweden registered an average of 50% PI, indicating that people there are too happy and not heading towards civil war. China ranked lowest, with an abysmal -100000.67%, not surprising since the average Chinese can’t even buy contraceptives in private. But the astonishing figures suggest that they are true. China would have far surpassed India had CCP workers posed as common citizens and duped the survey officials.

We’ll wait for the world to react when the report is officially published. You be ready to hear America yawn and China froth over external forced trying to incite the masses and spread falsehoods about the glorious Communist Party.

TRE opposes oppressive governments that tell its citizens how they should live and uses them as human shields when under foreign aggression. If given the opportunity, TRE would willingly take over the reins from them and lead the world away from self-destruction.
   

Category , ,

No Comments

The Rotten Eggitorial: Twitter Twits need to SHUT UP!


.



We don’t like Twitter. 140 characters would scarcely do justice to The Rotten Egg. However, TRE is guilty of succumbing to peer-pressure and regularly logs in to mingle with its 50-odd followers.

On the latest visit, most of them were going berserk over ‘Hoely Bible’. Now TRE doesn’t conform to any religion, but we have to admit it is offensive, to break it down we doubt there’s anything that connects the Bible with whores. Hence it’s easy to understand the furore when this innocuous phrase slipped through.
Within seconds, the anonymous offender was being burned in hell, impaled on the statue of liberty, trampled over by a dozen elephants and so on. Then there were others found the situation real funny, no doubt some real weird atheists. Among the curses and LOL’s there did prevail a couple of voices of reason, the smart alecks who were wondering how ‘Hoely Bible’ had turned a ‘TT’?

We understand little and care even less about trending topics, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out how they work. After about a half hour of mindless surfing, the “why is ‘Hoely Bible’ a TT” outrage camp definitely outnumbered the “screw the $%%&&*^%$” camp. Our sympathies with the Christians and Christian sympathisers, but we’d sure like to give the latter a lesson in common sense.

The more you yap about it, the greater are the chances of innocent subject to trend. Notable examples include the unfortunate teenager Rebecca Black and now ‘Hoely Bible’. And we do we have an answer and the only solution to your problem – SHUT THE HELL UP! Stop talking you retarded parakeets, it’s only your dunderheaded “LOL! OMFG! Why is ______________ a TT? What the hell are you guys doing:-p????” that’s fuelling this bullshit in the first place. If there’s anything more annoying than the overuse of exclamation and question marks, it is the “:-p” that accompanies each query. It’s impossible to bash each of your empty skulls in, but believe us we’re trying. Until then, stop talking. You’ve obviously got nothing of intellectual value to dump into the internet or to insert into live conversation (chances of which are negligible since you probably live with a gazillion cats) so sew up your pieholes.


The Rotten Egg is proud to support ‘Earth Hour’ and sincerely hopes the world will soon have a ‘No Twitter Hour’. 

Category , , , ,

No Comments

‘International Hurt Your Feelings Day’ Scrapped


.

14th October, 2010

Adrian de la Cruz for The Rotten Egg

Reporting from,

Mumbai, India.



The U.N. on Wednesday rejected an Indian student’s proposal to celebrate September 5 as ‘International Hurt Your Feelings Day’. An official statement cited that “the calendar is simply too packed to add another day to a day”. At present there are more than 700 holidays celebrated every year, which means that every single day has at least two mindless celebrations stuffed into it.

The decision comes a week after the U.N. declared October 7th as ‘Behead a Penguin Day’ much to delight of Japanese fishermen. TRE contacted the student (name withheld on request) and asked him to explain the reason behind his petition. The 20-year-old says that, “It’s high time oversensitive ****s put a sock in it. I mean, can’t funny people go five minutes without hurting somebody’s feelings?” The male then unleashed a flurry of abuses directed at adults that did not appreciate his sense of humour and had to be calmed down before continuing. “So, I thought we could have that one day where those *******s could snivel in peace and no one would say a thing and shut the ***k up for the rest of the year.

The student picked the wrong day to declare his disgust as September 5 is already celebrated as “Drool over a shirtless TV star day” and “Naked Spongebob Squarepants Badge Day”. His addition stood no chance. However, the Indian was unfazed and will approach the U.N. once more after thoroughly studying the calendar.



TRE couldn’t care less about “Lick Edward Cullen’s Left Nipple Day” and “Break Bones Like Evel Knievel Day” and requests all the jobless American couch potatoes who scratched their heads over such foolish revelry to go back to high school or to at least stop watching “America’s Got Talent”

Category , , , ,

No Comments

Lightning Storm Scares Bejesus Out Of Church Chickens


.

28th September, 2010

Adrian De La Cruz for The Rotten Egg

Reporting from,

Andheri, Mumbai, India.



The city witnessed violent lightning storms for two hours this evening. It seemed pretty clear that the Almighty wanted to have the earthlings a preview of his/her wicked Lazer show. The scare tactics worked and people rushed to hide under large trees or ran through the streets talking to their dear ones on their cell-phones. The wild streaks across the sky also ruffled a lot of feathers at the Good Shepherd Church in Four Bungalows market locality of Mumbai’s Andheri suburb.

As the last of the parishioners stayed back waiting for the storm to pass, the Church’s rather healthy flock of chickens had nowhere to hide. For nearly half an hour they beat their wings in utter terror and flash upon flash illuminated the night. They clearly expected to be claimed any second and their piteous cries could be heard all over the market road. The owner of the corner chicken shop was also present at the scene. There was no sign of relief for the traumatized birds until the Church Guard finally saw sense and managed to round them up and drive them all the way up to the roof. His stroke of genius clearly worked, for fifteen minutes later, all was quiet once again. It is learnt that the Church trust will now build a permanent wooden shack for the flock to take shelter in during future lightning storms.



The Rotten Egg is proud to serve perverse news-hungry maniacs during troubled times.

Category , ,

No Comments

Huge Pile of Plastic Confuses Beach Cops


.

Adrian de La Cruz for The Rotten Egg


12th September, 2010

Reporting from,

Juhu Beach, Mumbai, India



It’s taken the Bombay police two weeks to admit that they spent two hours panicking themselves silly over an oily mass that eventually turned out to be a lot of plastic.

As always our correspondent Adrian de La Cruz was around poking his nose into the business as baffled cops and joggers stared mindlessly at the lump whispering wild stories to each other. Sometime in the night, the shapeless lump was washed up on the beach by the tide. As the first joggers and footballer kids entered the beach in the morning, most of them ignored it completely. It is not clear who called the police, but pretty soon a lot of them descended on the scene.

Barely five feet away from the ‘site’, a bunch of boys had set up shop and were chalking out their goalposts. As more and more curious residents gathered, hardly any of them blinked an eyelid even as a ponytailed goon pulled off an amazing ten consecutive step - overs and toyed with the opposition right - back. The boys decided to take the game to the uninterested crowd and deliberately played the ball close the lump, but the police did not seem to have the heart to shoo them away. On closer inspection, one could clearly make out their half-open eyes.

Finally however, they did swing into action and each of them brandished a battered walkie-talkie and spat into them for the next ten minutes. In response, a team of beach cleaners appeared and began dismantling the marooned item. That was the signal for the cops to relax their guard. Now they began to watch the football match in earnest and “ooh-ed” and “aah-ed” at the right places as chance after chance went begging. As more ponytailed goons warmed into their pseudo-Barcelona sleep-inducing tactics, the watchers stretched out comfortably on the bonnets of their jeeps.

The only event of note in the ensuing hour an half was an amazing finish by the captain of the non-ponytailed goon team that won them the match. In fact, this individual can pass and finish better than most the members of the current Juventus senior team on any given Sunday. As the salvaging and unwrapping concluded, out poured a lot of plastic tape in several sized, shapes and colours, clearly having floated off from the site of the oil spill. Our reporter’s hunch about the mass being covered with oil was confirmed when he got a closer look at it once the crowd’s attention was diverted by a brand new bright yellow Police ATV making its way down a rocky slope some distance away.

In the end, the cops who sought to hog the headlines by uncovering the head of a beached whale spent two boring hours next to a shit-ball of plastic and lot of senior citizens got fodder for gossip and an opportunity to spread more crazy rumours about monsters invading the city.

The Rotten Egg was instantly able to identify the object for what it was and requests the government to award strict punishment to the perpetrators of the oil spill that caused incalculable damage to the city’s coastline.

Category , , ,

No Comments

Rains claim their first victim


.

Adrian de la Cruz for The Rotten Egg


2nd June, 2010

Reporting from,

Mumbai, India.



The second day of June has brought joy into the lives of millions of Bombayites, except those unfortunate enough to be asleep and those living on pavements and in general those without a roof over their heads and also those zipping along on their two-wheelers.

The heavens have finally opened up, hopefully putting an end to a torrid summer. As usual, new temperature records were set, more people died while trying newer and crazier methods to escape the heat than as a direct result of the heat wave.

For twenty minutes, starting at eight past midnight, a collective sigh ensued from most homes where inhabitants weren’t already screaming themselves hoarse. The arrival of the first shower of the season is an event that can be compared only to the city’s favourite son Sachin Tendulkar (no, I don’t like him) scoring yet another double century.

But it didn’t turn out to be a great night for a lone biker chugging down a deserted street. One minute he was humming to himself, apparently unaware that his front wheel has lost the battle against the slick concrete surface, the next he had his bike pinned on top of him as he slid some ten feet, helmet bumping repeatedly against stones, ruining his white shirt and bruising his knee in the process. All this was accompanied by a long sharp squeal and a dull thud.

He lay motionless for the next couple of seconds and just as this reporter was debating whether or not to go see if he was okay, he stirred, shook his head (stupid thing to do as the helmet banged the concrete) and pushed the bike off of him. He narrowly missed getting run over by a speeding car and after ensuring he wasn’t badly hurt, he sped off.

All in all, a miraculous escape for a man that could have so easily crashed into a pack of hysterical dogs that take to the streets at that hour or have bumped his head against one of many huge flower pots lining the pavement.



TRE advises motorists to exercise caution while taking off on their machines in the monsoon and to avoid hitting old ladies crossing the street, unless it’s on Road Rash.

Category , , ,

« Older Posts