Adrian de La Cruz for The Rotten Egg
April 2, 2011
Reporting from,
New Delhi, India.
A study conducted by the UN found that Indian citizens are the most patriotic. A copy the study, which is yet to be made public, was obtained by our correspondent Adrian de La Cruz after he managed to corner a UN rat in the capital city and promised him a ticket to the Cricket World Cup final in exchange for some early-bird information.
The UN surveyed two million people all over the world over a year and spent tons of US Dollars rotting in its coffers in the process. If the annual happiness ratings weren’t enough, we now have to deal with the results of another massive waste of public expenditure.
There are some startling findings in the study and has interesting news for India. The country’s Patriotism Index (PI) has fluctuated several times over. In fact it was at a measly 31% at the beginning of the survey. Through a year of scams and deceptions and some good news, the coloured worms that depict the PI have danced all over the expensive paper, often bumping into each other, cohabiting all over the place and waltzing into Iran at one point only to return to safe territory before starting a war.
This is hardly surprising considering the tumultuous 2010 that India experienced. And besides, worms tend to behave that way. The worm plunged to 0% in October and shot off the page to an earth-shattering 13999900000000000% as of March 2011. This unimaginable increase is suspicious to say the least. Only a naive person would attribute this phenomenal rise with the fortunes of national cricket team which is currently on the verge of capturing the championship after 28 years in the wilderness. To make such an accusation would be to assume that the lives of ordinary Indians revolve around a bunch of fat men falling over their shoelaces on the turf and that they are fickle enough to keep the faith in the administration of the country based on the performances of the team. But everyone knows that’s propaganda spread by India’s enemies.
The other significant highlights of the study were that the Middle Eastern and West African nations Libya, Syria, Kuwait, Egypt and Tunisia also report abnormally high levels of patriotism. However, given the current situation, the researchers have clearly not been able to distinguish between patriotism and plain anger.
The Scandinavian nations of Finland, Norway and Sweden registered an average of 50% PI, indicating that people there are too happy and not heading towards civil war. China ranked lowest, with an abysmal -100000.67%, not surprising since the average Chinese can’t even buy contraceptives in private. But the astonishing figures suggest that they are true. China would have far surpassed India had CCP workers posed as common citizens and duped the survey officials.
We’ll wait for the world to react when the report is officially published. You be ready to hear America yawn and China froth over external forced trying to incite the masses and spread falsehoods about the glorious Communist Party.
TRE opposes oppressive governments that tell its citizens how they should live and uses them as human shields when under foreign aggression. If given the opportunity, TRE would willingly take over the reins from them and lead the world away from self-destruction.
