5th May, 2010
Reporting from,
Khajuraho, Madhya Pradesh, India.
In an Eggclusive, TRE was the first to sneak up on legendary American pornstar Jenna Jameson while she was touring the world famous Khajuraho temple complex in central India with her boyfriend. Mr. Boyfriend turned out to be Peter Dinklage, who played the clever blackmailing midget in the 2007 British comedy “Death At A Funeral” and also reprised his role in the American remake that released this year.
As always Adrian de la Cruz was around to get the scoop, trying his best to make intelligent conversation as the couple pranced around hand-in-hand, pointing and whooping at sculptures of naked deities and embarrassing the local worshippers.
AC: Hi there.
PD: Who are you?
AC: My name is Adrian. I work for The Rotten Egg.
JJ: Ooh! The Rotten Egg?
AC: Yes, have you heard about it?
PD: No.
JJ: Never. But you’re still going to interview me, I mean us, right?
AC: That’s my job.
JJ: Where’s the cameraman?
AC: Aah, he fell sick.
JJ: Then where’s your camera?
AC: My editor thought it best that I shouldn’t carry one today.
JJ: Screw him!
AC: Will you?
JJ: You tell him that when you get back.
AC: Sure will. Can we begin?
PD: Just make it quick.
AC: So Jenna, what brings you to India?
JJ: We’re on our Asian tour. We’ve already been to Japan, Korea, China, Indonesia, Singapore and Samoa.
AC: Samoa isn’t in Asia.
PD: Shore it is! Come here and I’ll find it for ya.
AC: I don’t think so. So how long do you plan to stay in India?
JJ: We only just arrived last week. And would you believe it, there was not a single camera for miles when we arrived! There were was a mob at the other terminal and it looked like millions of people were sending off some team.
AC: Indians are known to worship their cricketers. Don’t know what the consensus on pornstars and midgets is.
PD: Hey, watch your tongue!
AC: What’ll you do about it? Come up there and grab it? So Jenna, how do you like India thus far?
JJ: It’s lovely! We’ve been all over Delhi and its bazaars. Gosh, they’re so colourful and bright! The heat nearly killed me though. And the people are so hospitable. Everyone was smiling at us even though Pete and I couldn’t keep our hands off each other.
AC: Yes well, men here like what they can get free of charge. So what made you visit Khajuraho?
JJ: A friend of mine who’d recently been here told me all about it. She said it’s the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen. And she’s right. The sculptures made Peter horny the second he saw them. Again, that’s one of the many things I like about this country, you’ve got such a vibrant and open culture. Everybody here is free to do what they want and speak their own minds.
AC: These temples were built more than a thousand years ago you know. A lot has changed since then.
JJ: It tells so much about the sexuality of those times, when they had sex out in the open.
AC: Excuse me?
JJ: Has it really taken you more than a thousand years to figure what a great place this is to have sex in? Man, you guys must be dumb.
AC: There’s a law barring that you know. Besides, that’s disgusting and immoral and would just give the moral police a reason to pick on you.
JJ: If my producer came to know of this, he’d shift all the outdoor shoots to India.
AC: He can’t do that!
JJ: You know what your problem is? You’re too conservative. Quote me when I say this, “Indians need to have more sex! They need to have sex in their parks and playgrounds without caring a damn about what anyone says. INDIANS NEED TO HAVE OUTDOOR SEX! There’s no need to be afraid.”
TRE would like to request its readers to allow themselves a couple of minutes for this monumental statement to sink in before they resume reading and remember that they read it eggclusively on The Rotten Egg.
AC: Right. What do you think about Indian men?
JJ: They’re not very bright.
AC: What makes you say that?
JJ: There aren’t any in the porn industry.
AC: Aah, I see. But I’ll have you know that their libido is unmatched. Roam around through any part of this country and you’ll have no less than six staring obscenely at you at any time and they’d be only more than happy to oblige you to a gangbang.
JJ: I just hope it’s not more than six.
PD: Don’t worry babe, we’ll share.
AC: I’m not sure they’ll take to a midget buddy.
PD: Piss off!
AC: Look man, you’re not a Brit so why don’t you talk like an American and tell me to shut the fuck up instead? Jenna, are we going to see another DVD on your Indian Escapades like your recent Kinky Korea?
JJ: Oh no, I’m on vacation silly, this is a purely pleasure trip.
AC: Let me get that straight. You have no intention of humping your way from Kashmir to Kanyakumari?
PD: Didn’t you hear her the first time? We’re on vacation!
AC: I’m not talking to you mister. Why don’t you get busy with those statues again? Where do you plan to go from here Jenna?
JJ: We’re going to an orphanage in Bombay and we’ve also been invited to join a tour of the slums.
AC: Terrific. Don’t steal any kids.
JJ: Why not? Angie and Madge have been doing it all this time.
AC: In India, they’ll toss you in prison if you get caught.
JJ: Oh? What are those like?
AC: Rat infested and filled with brutal homosexual inmates.
PD: How do I get in?
AC: It’s not a club you know.
JJ: How about the jailors?
AC: Cruel but straight. Most of them are acquitted rapists.
JJ: How do I get in?
AC: Well, you could start by making out in the shrine. Tell you what, why don’t one of you sit on idols? That’s bound to get you arrested.
JJ: You’re sure?
AC: Of course. If you want, once the cops show up, you could look them in the eye and scream, “I’m going to blow you all!” That way they’ll think you and the little peter here are terrorists and lock you up for good. And don’t say anything about the American Embassy, authorities here are damn sacred of them and will turn you free the second you contact the Embassy.
PD: Guess we’ll get started then. Whaddya say babe?
JJ: Let’s do this!
AC: All right then. Tell me how it goes.
JJ: Where are you going? Don’t you want to come and watch?
AC: I’m working on a deadline. I need to get going. Best of luck you two. And here’s my editor’s phone number in case you’re ever in Bombay.
TRE would like to tell Jenna Jameson and Peter Dinklage that the story wouldn’t have been even half as funny without them.
TRE would also like to tell people visiting the country that sight-seeing inside slums really isn’t cool. Slums aren’t what India is all about. So forget Slumdog Millionaire and come look at the country’s natural beauty instead. And try not to deface the monuments. To the local losers who scribble their names where they don’t belong, shame on you and hope Penguinheadedsnailbackednutgrabbers attack you the moment you even think of committing such acts.
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Queen of Porn holidaying in India with boyfriend
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